deep down, i didn’t like men
December 2022 I got dumped from a committed romantic relationship for the 3rd time in my life but this time it hit different. This time I thought I had done the work. I thought I had been the best girlfriend.. I was faithful, present, emotionally intelligent, regulated, understanding, made the relationship a priority in my life & so many other amazing qualities.. I thought.
Compared to previous relationships where I knew I hadn’t shown up as my best version. Looking back after the breakups I could always find spaces where I deeply wounded the other and where I pushed the relationship.
It took me months to get to the conclusion, that no matter what:
A break up is never 1 individuals fault or wrongdoing.
Even if you get dumped. I do still believe in order for a relationship to end, it takes all parts in the relationship to in some way lead it into an end.
Yes, some individuals may want to stay in the partnership while the other doesnt, which ofcourse leads to the final “break up” but relationships are fluid, they are complex and nothing in this realm is ever so black & white.
As I journeyed deeper into myself, started consciously dating & reflected more on the subject, I came to the conclusion that deep down I had these core beliefs:
I am better than men
Men are mostly stupid/idiots
Men don’t get women emotionally and much less sexually
Men are not emotionally intelligent
Men are not sentimental
Men are inherently cheaters
& the list can go on
Ofcourse, you might read this and think it is bizarre for me to have those beliefs (or you might actually resonate with a few!). I didn’t even know I had them. These were underlying core thoughts hidden in my shadow.
How did I came to fully accept them & acknowledge they existed? When I started asking myself the questions. When I started journaling about men & relationships without actually bullshitting myself. When I started tunning into the conversations I was having with my female friends. When I even noticed the memes & reels I shared. Its that simple, yet so complicated to see at the same time.
The more I listened to podcasts of other women acknowledging they also had these core beliefs, the more I distigmatize them and realized they dont make me a bad person.
There is a reasoning of how & why these beliefs where formed.
They served me for a time being. They where my brains way of “protecting’ me.
But.. once you lift of the veill. You realize its time to drop them.
You cant experience deep trust & out of this world orgasmic love in partnerships if these beliefs run your relationships.
I used to date men I could control. (Again, this wasnt something I did consciously)
I used to constantly belittle them.
I used to mommy them too.
& in my head, I was helping them. I was being an amazing partner because I was pushing them to be better.
Yet instead, I was destroying their ego. I was clearly establishing myself as the superior.
I was in my masculine energy constantly, instead of flourishing in my femenine.
This is a recipe for dissaster, in bed & in the whole relationship too.
Stay tuned for how I actually stepped out of those core beliefs and I’m now tapping into fully adoring men, seeing them truly and creating such safe containers where men feel at ease around me what allows for deep connections.
